Firsts

Your first heartbreak will haunt you forever. For the following years to come. It will always follow, lingering behind in your memory. With each step you take it is right there behind you, secretly keeping you company. No matter how far you travel. Distance doesn’t bother heartbreak.

Your first lover… you’ll never forget them. You’ll remember their touch, the way their body felt against yours. Their scent, their voice, the sound of “I love you” in their sleepy voice. You’ll never forget it. You can find a new lover. but it’ll never be like your first. You’ll always compare , always go back to what your first did and said. No matter what your first will always hold a sacred place in your heart above them all.

Always and Forever.

It’s not fair. How you can’t just forget them. You can “hate” them but you won’t be able to stop thinking of them. Everything will remind you of them. They would have forgotten you by now, yet your still stuck on them. Unwillingly, of course.

5 years down the road, you’ll still remember word for word of what they had said to you on the mountain. You’ll still remember the look in their eyes when they said it. You’ll still remember the way they touched you so gentle. Like it was yesterday, so clear and vivid. Yet they don’t even remember your name anymore. Your long gone from their mind. You don’t even pop up to them. You’re nobody to them, yet they are everything to you.

Still 5 years later. When you are on line in the coffee shop placing your order for your triple shop latte, you’ll remember how they took their coffee… black, no creams.. 2 packs of sugar. They’ll always just be their engraved in your head, stuck in the crevices of your brain, in your mind waiting ’til the right time to ruin you.

Or how about 10 years down the line when you are dropping your first child off at the school, as you kiss her goodbye and send her off. You’ll randomly remember all the late night talks in your mustang about our future together and how you wanted a daughter. A daughter no one would hurt, as long as their around to protect her precious little soul.

You didn’t care to protect my little precious soul. Why would I think you would do the same to a little girl of ours.

They’ll just always reappear.

Just to say hello,

and to destroy you all over again.

All those years of work on getting over them vanishes. All of that hard work for nothing. All down the drain. You’re back at square one, the heart of the problem. The one that caused all this heartache face to face again. You thought you saw the last of if. But you are terribly wrong. And this is not the last time either, just the beginning.

Back at square one.

Trying to forget it. Forget it all.

All those tears shed, angered screams, everything just to be relived all over again.

Just so in a few weeks, months, years their name will pop up or you think you see them in a crowded street or the way this stranger says ‘fuck” just like the way you did. It will then be relived and destroyed. all. over. again.

And then you’ll finally get yourself together again. This time it was a little easier, you know how it goes now. Still hurts the same but you know how to deal with it better.

It’s just a constant never ending cycle. The feeling you thought you’d never have to feel again. Swore you’d close your heart up so none can ever do this to you again yet it’s the same boy breaking it over and over again.

Don’t fall in love kids. It’ll haunt you forever and ever and ever.

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