Depression is hard.
I don’t know how to correctly cope with it.
All i know is unhealthy mechanisms.
I’m just afraid, afraid of myself.
I don’t want it.
I run from all my problems.
I just run and run and run.
I don’t ever look back, I’m afraid to.
It’s a never ending cycling.
It’s so exhausting.
Never a break to relax, always on the look out.
The second I see the light, i know it won’t last long.
Ready to fall back into my hole.
I contemplate suicide everyday,
never would actually go through with it.
I’m too grateful.
And to be honest
I just couldn’t do that to my mother and little sister.
Thats too selfish,
Yet why is my doing something for me TO BE HAPPY SELFISH?
Even when i’m hurting so badly I still think of others and how it’ll affect them..
Even though i’m dying inside and no one seems to care.
A constant battle inside me.
I have no answer when my therapist asks me “why i feel the way i feel?”
Because I don’t have a reason to feel this.
I just do.
and always have for as long as i could remember.
It’s all I know.
I’m so use to it that when I thought i could be actually happy for a minute,
I freaked out and made my happiness go away.
Why did I do that?
I don’t know what to do. or how to handle feelings like that.
Certain people in my life who might actually care about my well being,
I immediately push them away and distance myself.
I don’t wanna be anymore vulnerable to getting hurt in a different direction.
It’s lonely i’ll admit.
But being alone is what i’ve grown accustomed to.
I’ve lost myself.
Fallen too deep down the well.